There’s something really interesting and actually quite important about understanding the difference between being a Top and being a Domme or Dominatrix. The two roles are often confused or used interchangeably, especially in popular media or even within some kink communities, but they’re actually very different in how they show up, both energetically and psychologically. That said, it's also completely possible to be both. The overlap does exist, but the distinction is significant, especially when you're trying to understand your own desires, your expression, and how you engage with power dynamics.
For most of my life, especially through my teens and early twenties, I was showing up primarily as a Top. That was my natural mode of being. I liked taking the lead, I felt confident in being assertive and expressive, and when I was pegging, for instance, I would definitely identify as topping, not domming. There’s a kind of innate drive in me to take the reins, to move with intention and confidence in sexual or intimate dynamics. At the time, I didn’t have the language or understanding to separate those roles in my mind, so I confused topping with domming. I thought that because I was leading, because I was the one taking action, that must mean I was dominant.
But over the last few years, through deep personal reflection and learning from some truly powerful dominatrices, people who really live and embody that archetype, I’ve come to understand the profound difference between being a Top and being a Dominatrix. And even more importantly, I’ve learnt how those two roles show up very differently within me.
So, for example, when I’m pegging, I don’t enter Domme space. I actually prefer not to. That’s because pegging allows me to fully drop into my top energy. It’s assertive, focused, physically expressive, and there's a natural, almost primal rhythm to it. When I’m in that space, with a strap-on on, I forget about gender or binaries or categories. I’m simply in my masculine energy, fully embodied. The lines blur. It becomes one seamless flow of action, intention, and connection. That’s what topping feels like to me. It’s presence through movement. It's about control through doing.
Whereas when I step into my dominatrix energy, that’s a whole different realm. It’s slower. It’s more psychological. It comes from a deeper place, and it requires a very different kind of presence. When I’m domming, I’m not necessarily doing more I’m being more. My feminine energy comes into play. I tap into a space that’s deeply intuitive, grounded, and commanding. There’s a psychological sophistication to domming that involves knowing how to enter someone’s mind, not just their body. It’s about understanding how to create space for surrender and that takes not just power, but nuance.
Even the language shifts. A Top might say, "Can you hand me my whip? I left it over there—quickly, go." It’s directive, functional, sometimes playful, even cheeky. But a dominatrix would say something more like, "Hand me my whip. Quick. I am waiting." Do you feel the difference? It’s not just in the words, it’s in the tone, the rhythm, the weight behind them. The language used in domination is like a key; it unlocks the deeper levels of the submissive's psyche. When used with precision, it can put someone into a light trance. It's hypnotic. And that’s what I’ve come to love about it, it’s not just about action, it’s about intention and psychological presence.
The mistake so often seen in media, porn, or even on social media is this overly stylised image of a dominatrix—leather, heels, whip, harsh voice. And while the visual cues can definitely be powerful, they don’t make someone a dominant. You can wear the outfit, but if you don’t have the presence, the energy, the understanding of language, it’s just theatre. You’ll be topping and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s not the same as domming.
What I’ve noticed, especially in submissives who are seeking a dominant, not just someone who tops, is that they are deeply attuned to the somatic impact of energy and language. They’re looking for someone who can guide them, not just tell them what to do. Someone whose words, voice, eye contact, and body language are all congruent, so much so that their nervous system recognises it. There’s a release that happens, a dropping down into surrender, because their body feels safe enough to let go. That's the kind of dominance that gets inside the mind. And that’s why I say domming is an art form. It’s not something you can fake, not really. You can learn the moves, but the essence has to be lived and integrated.
Being a top, for me, is more instinctive. It’s part of my natural wiring. And even though I’ve been topping for years, that has always felt like my home base. But being a dominatrix? That’s something I’m still learning, still refining. It requires constant awareness, intentionality, and emotional intelligence. It’s not about shouting or playing a role, it’s about knowing how to access deep psychological currents and channel them through language, posture, and tone.
To sum it up: topping is doing, domming is being. Topping feels like fire—fast, bold, directive. Domming feels like earth—slow, powerful, unshakeable. Both have their place, and I deeply enjoy inhabiting each. But knowing the difference between the two has not only expanded my own erotic power, it’s allowed me to show up in these dynamics with far more clarity, and to connect with others in ways that are deeply embodied and transformational.
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