Unveiling Desire: Navigating Fear and Shame in BDSM
Stepping into the world of BDSM, especially for those who are new to it, or maybe entering a Dominant/submissive dynamic for the first time. It’s a world that, for many, feels full of fear and shame. And that’s okay. If you’ve ever wondered, Why do I feel this way? or Why am I drawn to something so taboo?—you are not alone in that. The feelings of fear and shame can feel suffocating, and the weight of secrecy can be intense, especially when you feel like something you desire has to be kept hidden away, tucked in the dark where no one can see it. It’s almost like kink itself lives in the shadows, not just in the world, but in our own minds, too.
But that secrecy—it’s complicated. On the one hand, there’s a certain thrill in having a secret life, in knowing that there’s something only you know, something that’s uniquely yours. It can feel powerful, even exciting. But it can also feel isolating, like you're carrying this heavy burden that no one else understands. It’s easy to get lost in that darkness, to feel like you're the only one with these thoughts, these desires. The fear grows, especially when society has painted BDSM as dark and taboo—something "wrong" or dangerous. And when you're entering that world for the first time, those fears can feel even more overwhelming.
The truth is, fear comes from the unknown. The world of BDSM is vast, and it can seem like a maze—there are so many new terms, practices, and dynamics to navigate. The unknown can make you question your desires. Why do I want this? Why does this appeal to me? It can make you afraid to explore, afraid to ask questions, afraid that what you want is something wrong. On top of that, there’s also the fear of danger. The BDSM world can be intimidating, and if you don’t know what you’re doing, it can lead to unsafe situations. There’s a lot of learning that has to happen, and for many, that’s overwhelming. But here’s the thing: learning is the antidote to fear. When you educate yourself—whether it’s through books, podcasts, or online communities—you replace that uncertainty with knowledge. And with knowledge comes empowerment.
Then there’s shame. And that one cuts deep. The feeling that you’re doing something that’s “not normal,” that society wouldn’t accept. I think what’s so hard about shame is that it often doesn’t come from us—it’s a projection. It’s a byproduct of societal expectations, of the idea that sex and intimacy have to fit into these narrow, prescribed boxes. But if you really think about it, the idea of what’s “normal” when it comes to sex is a relatively recent concept. For most of human history, there was no such thing as privacy. People didn’t have their own rooms or bathrooms, for goodness sake. So the idea that sex is something between a man and a woman for reproduction only is a very modern and very limiting view. It’s no wonder so many people feel ashamed when their desires don’t fit into that box.
But what if the shame you feel isn’t really yours? What if it’s been handed to you by society, by cultural norms that tell you what you should want or what’s acceptable? When you sit with your desires and ask yourself what’s truly shameful about them, you may realise that the shame is an external layer you’ve taken on, rather than something that belongs to you. It’s not easy to unravel, but it’s worth the work. It means asking yourself the hard questions: Is this my shame? Or is it society’s shame? And when you start peeling those layers away, you can begin to see your desires for what they really are—just a part of you, no more shameful than any other part.
At the heart of all of this, though, is communication. And I’ll admit, this was something I struggled with for a long time. Being able to clearly express my desires, needs, and fears wasn’t always my strong suit. It took time, and it took effort. But I learnt. And now, communication is one of my greatest tools—not just in kink, but in life. It’s the bridge between fear and connection, between shame and acceptance. But communication isn’t easy. It takes courage, vulnerability, and practice. You have to be willing to ask questions, share your boundaries, and sometimes have conversations that are uncomfortable. But those conversations are the ones that build trust, that make everything safer and more fulfilling.
For those stepping into this world for the first time, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers right away. There’s no rush. Take your time. Read, listen, ask questions. Whether you’re Dominant or submissive, communication is key. You both need to feel heard and understood. And sometimes, that means having difficult conversations about what you need, what you want, and what’s safe. If you’re just starting to explore BDSM, there’s so much to learn, and it’s all part of the journey.
I know what it feels like to be consumed by shame and fear. For me, it came from a place of feeling alone, of not knowing who else shared these desires or how to even begin to navigate this world. And I didn’t have the resources that are available now—there were no online forums or social media communities to turn to. The internet was still new, and there wasn’t much help out there for someone like me. So I fumbled my way through, made mistakes, and spent a lot of time dealing with the fallout. But those experiences, though painful, were also lessons. And in time, I found a way to be more educated, more informed. It’s easier now, and if you’re starting on this path, there’s no reason for you to go it alone.
That’s why I urge you to invest in your education. Spend time learning. Ask your Dominant or submissive questions. Seek out those communities, whether online or in person. And most importantly, give yourself the space to unpack your own shame. Explore it. Dig deep. Ask yourself, What’s really at the root of this? Am I holding onto something that’s not mine? It’s a process, but it’s worth it.
The world of BDSM isn’t something to be feared or shamed. It’s simply another part of the vast landscape of human desire. So take your time. Be patient with yourself. Your desires are valid, and you don’t have to hide them away. You deserve to explore them without fear or shame, and you’re not alone. We’re all just human, after all. And in that, we are all enough.
The Monday Diaries is free to read today. If you enjoyed these writings, you can show Mx Monday that their writing matters by sending a gift or tribute. Monday has a soft spot for thoughtful gestures like that!
If you’d delight me by sharing this page from The Monday Diaries, I promise, it would please me in ways I can’t quite put into words.